Life Changes

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't needed to vent I guess. Until now that is. I know I've talked about my wanting a baby and then not being sure and then being scared it would take forever etc... Well me and Josh finally decided to really go for it. Not just wait and see what happens. As I expected my doctor sent me straight to infertility. Ok well technically I didn't expect that, but I knew I would have to take fertility drugs. I kinda thought she would give it a shot with me first, but no. She just sent me straight to the pros. That made me EXTREMELY emotional. I don't know why. I was expecting to have to take fertility drugs so why did it bother me that she was getting someone else to prescribe them? I guess I just felt like I was worse off than I originally thought. lol So I cried when I left her office and was a blubbering mess and Josh told me not to worry of course, and I got over it pretty quickly. This first month at the infertility clinic has just been a tracking cycle with no drugs and to me it's been a complete waste of a month, but what do I know? Soon I will be starting clomid and now I'm beginning to freak out a little. I know I want a baby. I do. But I am a control freak. Type A at it's best, and I don't know what a baby will do to my life. I know my life right now. I know my routine. I'm in a good place. My marriage is awesome. I'm soooo happy. Probably the happiest I've ever been. I got my house. Things are going great. I am so scared of the unknown. A child will change everything. EVERYTHING. It will take away the lazy days of snuggling up on the couch with my hubby and my dog and watching TV until I can't stay awake. That is when I'm the happiest. When I'm at home with my husband with a good meal, and absolutely nothing to do but relax and unwind. It's my favorite place in the world to be. There is nowhere else I'd rather be in those moments. A baby will change all that, and I don't know what to expect. And that scares me. I know any mother would tell me that it's sooo worth it. That their child is the best thing that ever happened to them, and they wouldn't change it for the world. But can you mothers honestly say you don't miss your old life every once in a while? (Not that you would change anything), just that you miss the carefreeness of your life before? Ugh. I have to stop doing this. I really do. I think one thing that stresses me the most is that Josh isn't stressed. LOL Well, we are stressed about different things I guess. He is only stressed about the financial aspect of it. That doesn't scare me at all. I'm stressed about life changing, baby crying, mommy crying, no sleep, having to work, who will watch baby, am I gonna be any good at being a mommy? Those things. That's what scares me. Well let's just hope I can get pregnant. How about that? How about we take one step at a time Becca....try that for once.